I deal with guilt. I used to deal with it a lot more inefficiently than I do now. Any small thing could elicit strong feelings of guilt. As I matured I learned that those guilt feelings didn’t always apply. However the decision tree to determine whether the guilty feelings were valid or not was thorny and overgrown. It would take precious time, energy, and emotion to figure out if the guilt was appropriate. It took precious time, energy and emotion that I simply didn’t have. So the guilt would pile up like junk mail on the dining room table.
Except that junk mail is easier to go through. You can look at an envelope easily and see if it is from a legitimate source or if it is an advertisement. I usually sort through the mail in front of the trashcan as soon as it comes into the house. Junk mail goes in the trash and the few pieces that actually need to be opened and dealt with are handled immediately or put in a specific place to be dealt with when it’s appropriate.
I was actively trying to find a solution to this guilt issue for several months. I spoke to different people about it but didn’t find an answer to my backlog problem. Either the person didn’t have feelings of guilt over varied little things on a daily basis, or they did experience the same level that I did but either had a higher threshold for being able to handle it or was in the same predicament that I was in. The advice to just not feel guilty was very little help. That’s like telling someone to just not receive junk mail. Problem solved. But what is junk mail? It’s something that is sent to you without you having requested it. You can do what you can to be on as few mailing lists as possible but you’re still going to have a stack of it in your mailbox.
The worst thing to do when you receive junk mail is to stuff it in a drawer or leave it to pile on the table. The next-to-worst thing is to open each individual piece, read every word on every page and then deliberate if you actually need whatever is being marketed to you. That is a lot of time and energy that is wasted. Simplifying the decision tree by sorting through the junk mail by the trash can with a simple yes-no query is the most efficient. Is this junk mail? Yes? Then toss it. No? Then deal with it. Problem addressed with very little time and energy wasted.
I was at a conference on an entirely different topic, taking notes during a session on something I can’t even now remember, when a thought entered my brain like a lightning bolt.
What if guilt is only an appropriate response to a moral failing?
I couldn’t get it out of my mind. It was playing on repeat, an endless loop. What if guilt is only an appropriate response to a moral failing?
I feel guilt over hundreds of things a day. And I am fairly confident that I am not morally failing a hundred times a day. That means some of those guilt responses may not be valid!
Could it be so simple as a yes-no query?
As any nerd would do, I looked up the definition of guilt in the dictionary.
Guilt /ɡilt/
noun
the fact of having committed a specified or implied offense or crime. a feeling of having done wrong or failed in an obligation. Similar: self-reproach, self-accusation, self-condemnation
Now those words were familiar to me. I was definitely experiencing 21st century guilt. I knew well the feeling of having done wrong or failed an obligation. Self-reproach, self-accusation, self-condemnation? Long-time acquaintances of mine.
As a homeschool nerd I went a step further and looked up the definition of guilt in the 1828 Merriam Webster Dictionary. (Side note: it does not contain the words y’all or YOLO.)
GUILT, noun gilt.
1. Criminality; that state of a moral agent which results from his actual commission of a crime or offense, knowing it to be a crime, or violation of law. To constitute guilt there must be a moral agent enjoying freedom of will, and capable of distinguishing between right and wrong, and a wilful or intentional violation of a known law, or rule of duty. The guilt of a person exists, as soon as the crime is committed; but to evince it to others, it must be proved by confession, or conviction in due course of law. guilt renders a person a debtor to the law*, as it binds him to pay a penalty in money or suffering. guilt therefore implies both criminality and liableness to punishment. guilt may proceed either from a positive act or breach of law, or from voluntary neglect of known duty.
Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Guilt, actual guilt and not just the feeling of guilt, is the result of someone willfully or intentionally committing a violation of law.
What if guilt were only an appropriate response to a moral failing?
So I’m running an experiment. I have narrowed down my thought processes regarding guilt to a simple yes-no query. Was this thing, whatever I am feeling guilty about, the result of a moral failing? Yes? Then address it through repentance, restitution, etc. No? Then release it. It is not an appropriate response.
This is still an experimentation in progress. There’s a chance that this simple yes-no decision tree will have me come across as an insensitive jerk (or the oft-used female equivalent word). There’s a possibility that I will overlook the occasional real offense unintentionally. BUT given that these are likely to be the exceptions, and ones that I have asked key people to help me be on the lookout for, I can say hands down that this is an easier way of handling the consistent onslaught of guilty feelings rather than letting them build up and overwhelm me or trying to read into every one of them and determine the level of their legitimacy.
Side note: guilt is also a verb. It is to make someone feel guilty, especially in order to induce them to do something. Our society is in no short supply of people, corporations, and causes that are willing to wield this word as a verb in order to accomplish their purposes. My purpose, however, is to live in peace. So…I’m going to say “no thanks” to the junk mail guilt trips. And I’m not going to feel guilty about it at all.
*It would be a whole other post if I went into the facets of grace, redemption, freedom, etc. I’ll leave that for you to chew on but if you’re a disciple of Jesus and you are struggling with this area you may want to do a scripture study on the topic and journal through your thoughts on what they mean to you and your guilt feelings.
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