One of the kids’ favorite things to do at the beach is to go “bobbing” in the waves. They love the feel of the wave lifting them up then setting them back down. They can do it for hours.
I sometimes bob waves for hours a day. It’s not nearly as much fun.
Several years ago I worked out this wave analogy to help me handle the negative thoughts that would swell up in my mind and threaten to topple down on top of me.
When you are standing tall, most waves are relatively minor in size. When you are past the breaker line and in deeper waters fewer waves will be cresting as they approach you and you are able to do a small hop and bob right over them. Factors outside your control can also affect the situation - a storm kicking up larger waves, a current pushing you closer to shore and the line where most waves crest and break.
On good days where you are rested and feeling secure it is fairly easy to dismiss negative thoughts when they come. “I’m ugly. I’m incompetent. I’m not a good mother. I am not strong. I am failing. No one likes me.” Those don’t hold a lot of weight when you’re standing tall and grounded. They still come, but you can easily dismiss them. But if it’s a day where you are tired, hormonal, or overwhelmed, those small waves can start to wear on you. It might get harder to bob over them if they are coming at you one after another. If a storm starts kicking up larger waves or a current tries to pull your feet out from under you or pushes you closer to shore where the waves are breaking, suddenly those same waves become incredibly intimidating. Some of them may even seem like they are going to crash down right on top of you.
When you’re at the beach and bobbing in the waves, there is a secret for when a large or cresting wave is bearing down on you. You face the wave full on, take a breath, close your eyes, and duck under it. The full impact of the water passes over your head, swirling your hair but not knocking you down. You then pop up on the other side of the wave and take a deep breath and open your eyes. You survived. It can even feel a little exhilarating as you realize you faced the wave head on and are still standing on the other side of it. (Especially if you are used to those waves usually knocking you down.)
When the negative thoughts, the inner-voice lies, start coming in quick succession or at a time where you are already weighted down with worries, concerns, or hormones, or if external factors are upping the strength of the waves, it can seem next to impossible to dismiss the lies and bob over them. And that’s where the secret of “ducking” comes in.
Let me give an example in a way of explanation. Say there’s a day when you are getting ready for an event where you will be around other people. You are ready and well rested. Your hormones have decided to play nice with your brain juices and you have an outfit you feel good in. A negative thought wave decides to rise up and head your way. (Let’s say it’s a variant of the overused “you’re unattractive”.) You see it coming and bob over it, really without even interrupting whatever you may be currently engaged in. It isn’t a big deal. You feel good about yourself. You dismiss it.
Maybe there’s another day though where everything is the same, except your internal seascape. You’re tired, overwhelmed, hormonal, and nothing seems to fit right. That same wave comes again (“you’re ugly”) and this time it seems larger, more daunting, impossible to jump over and dismiss. You find yourself turning dejectedly from the mirror, unable to do anything except watch the wave close in on you, preparing to crash down on top of you with all its strength. Except this time is different. This time you duck. When the negative thought comes, you take the power out of it by accepting the lie as a possible truth but changing the anticipated outcome. “Ok then,” you say to yourself, facing the mirror head on. You take a deep breath and close your eyes. “Ok,” you say again. “Maybe I will be one of the ugliest people at this event. BUT (this is where you duck under the lie) I will be the kindest ugly person there and I will find a way to make other people feel beautiful by asking them about themselves.” Swoosh. The wave passes over the top of your head, you feel it pass as it swirls your hair, and then you pop back up on the other side with a slight smile realizing that you have robbed the wave of its power by accepting its exaggerated claim about yourself and still removing the impact of it.
When you face and duck under waves that normally would knock you over it can feel exhilarating.
A few more examples:
Negative Thought: This isn’t perfect. I’ve failed.
Bobbing Over It: It’s perfectly fine. No one cares.
Ducking Under It: This isn’t perfect. I’ve failed. I probably set the standard too high to start with. Oh well, guess that makes me human. Good thing perfection wasn’t expected by anyone but myself. New standard: this is sufficient.
Negative Thought: They don’t like me.
Bobbing Over It: I doubt that. No need to read into things.
Ducking Under It: They don’t like me. I don’t like me. I can affect one of those things. I’m going to choose to like me even though I can’t choose to make them like me. And that will have to be enough for today.
Is this a permanent fix? No. It’s a half-assed fix that lets you hold yourself together until the event is over, or until you’re able to take a nap, or until the hormones stop messing with your brain juices and you’re able to see the negative thoughts for what they are: lies. It’s an aid for everyday negative thoughts that all of us deal with from time to time.
This isn’t a cure for depression, PTSD, or extreme anxiety. I liken those inner thought battles as being in the shallow waters right by the shore where the waves are crashing and there’s no room to duck under. If you find yourself there and unable to get past the breakers into deeper waters then please ask someone for help. When the kids and I go wave bobbing I sometimes carry the younger ones out past the line of breakers. There’s no shame in that. You’re not asking to be carried forever. You just need help getting to where the water is a little deeper, you can catch your breath, and then bob or duck over the waves as they come.
This is also something to keep in mind when you might see someone else being pummeled by a wave you easily bob over. From where they are standing it might not be so small. Be kind.
What I Have Learned: I can choose to take a wave full in the face or I can choose to duck. Ducking is better. Success sometimes looks like the other side of surrender.
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