“We have to choose to be uncomfortable at times if we want to have adventures.”
This is what I told my daughter as she protested putting her socks and shoes back on her still damp and slightly sandy feet after an impromptu time playing in a creek.
This is what I told my son as he complained about the hands and legs streaked with dirt after a clamber up a muddy hill and the slide back down.
This is what I told myself as I carried a heavier-than-anticipated backpack holding water bottles and snacks as I made every effort to have the crew successfully complete this no-whine hike challenge.
This was not an epic adventure. It was a one or two mile hike at a local greenway. But it became an epic adventure when we spontaneously added muddy hill climbs, barefoot creek time, and (most importantly for this mama) officially dubbing it a no-whine hike challenge. The kids didn’t even question me as to whether I was making it up on the spot. They accepted the challenge and took it very seriously. At one point on the hike back to the car my five-year-old asked if he could have a piggyback ride. I said he could but that would disqualify him from the no-whine hike challenge. He laughed and said “never mind!” and ran ahead to keep up with the rest of the crew. I followed behind, wondering what kind of magic had just occurred. I smiled as I realized it was the magic of adventure and my son’s decision in advance to not let uncomfortableness rob him of completing the challenge.*
(Does it bother you that I used "uncomfortableness" rather than "discomfort"? Good. Keep reading.)
Being uncomfortable indicates we are not in control of our environment. Even as a recovering perfectionist I still feel most comfortable in environments I have control over. But though I may feel comfort with that (illusion of) control, I will not necessarily feel the most peace and joy. Paradoxically, peace and joy and even rest are often not found where we are our most comfortable. They are found on the other side of the decision to be OK with not being completely in control of our environment.
We can be dead set against the possibility of being uncomfortable (and not fully in control) and close the door to adventures. We can also languish in the uncomfortable results of an adventure and be miserable the rest of the time, sapping the joy from the adventure itself.
But there is another way.
We can choose in advance to be OK with the possibility of the uncomfortableness of dirty feet, longer than expected hikes, the logistics of tired and/or hungry children, bug bites, splinters, sweat, scrapes, bruises, tasks at home left undone, all of the laundry, all of the things. We can choose to be OK with it and with that purposeful choice we can bring our emotions under the control of our will. Then we are free to enjoy the adventures as they come, however they come! Yes, there are times it will be uncomfortable but choosing in advance to be OK with uncomfortableness takes away a lot of what we fear most about being uncomfortable: the lack of control. By choosing in advance, we are exercising control over the one thing we actually can - ourselves.
We cannot control everything that happens to us, but we can control our response. Similarly, we cannot always control what emotions we feel, but it is our choice how we handle those emotions. It takes effort, and practice, and patience with yourself and with others. But this is something we want to learn for ourselves, and something we want to demonstrate for our children so that they can learn as well.
Practical Resource: I have been learning from Nicholeen Peck and her Teaching Self-Government books, podcasts, and YouTube channel for the past year. Her practical instruction on how to teach our kids the ability to say OK and be OK, to be able to accept instruction, to be able to accept a no answer, to disagree appropriately hasn’t just changed my kids, it’s changed me. I have learned how to do those same things so that I can demonstrate those skills to my kids, not just teach about them. It’s helped with disagreements with my husband, my friends, even with God. (“No” answers to fervent prayers are hard.) I highly recommend her teachings, even if you only half-ass them! I haven’t been perfect in my application with my children and they have still grown in their ability to self-govern their emotions and reactions.
* I feel like I need to add, just for safety’s sake, that you should use this advice coupled with common sense. If your kid falls and twists their ankle you don’t make them continue hiking and you don't lay on shame by telling them they are now disqualified. It's still a no-whine hike if they cry from pain but don't bemoan the fact that it happened. If someone slices open their hand and is bleeding you don’t continue the adventure as it was. The sliced open hand becomes the new adventure. Put simply, don't be dumb. Use your whole brain while you're half-assing.
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