I’m still learning this half-ass lifestyle. I realize that term may be off-putting to some people. Those are probably the same people who live this way normally. I think they just call it “sane”.
I’m still learning.
I remember when I was first learning how to fire a handgun. I was practicing at an indoor firing range with a paper target the size of a standard sheet of paper. At five yards and at nine yards distance, I could group my shots onto the paper but I wasn't able to put a bullet straight through the center of the sheet. I was frustrated as I gathered my gear and headed toward the exit. The owner of the firing range saw my frustration and asked about it. I showed him the paper and how I couldn't manage to hit the bulls-eye.
He looked at the target then at me and asked, "Why are you learning to shoot?"
"For self-defense mostly," I replied.
He held the piece of paper up to his chest.
"Ma'am," he said, with a southern accent and a sigh, "this will get the job done."
The man made his point. I'd forgotten what my purpose was for the training and became distracted by the pursuit of perfection instead.
I'm still learning.
It still feels wrong to not strive for my very best. In everything I do. All the time. I feel like I am wimping out, cheating, slacking, failing.
I’m learning to accept being adequate. Or doing something adequately. “Adequate” is a negative word in my natural thought process. Adequate is less-than. Adequate is sub-par. Adequate is failing.
I’m learning to accept being adequate.
Do you know what the synonyms are for adequate?
Acceptable.
Capable.
Competent.
Decent.
Fair.
Satisfactory.
Sufficient.
Suitable.
That sounds like a list of things I want to be.
So why is it so hard to accept being adequate? It isn't a simple question to answer.
I was born in the 80s and raised in the 90s and let loose on the world in the 00s. My entire life I have been subjected to the messaging that adequate isn’t good enough.
Anything you can do, I can do better.
Even in the church I grew up in, this message infiltrated and became all the more noxious with the added elixir of religious guilt. If you weren’t going to “be someone for God” and “further the kingdom” then you were wasting your life. If your goal wasn’t to be the next Billy Graham then you were setting your sights too low. If you weren’t willing to give up everything and be a missionary abroad and live in misery then you valued your comfort more than God’s calling.
I sat in my seat every week, feeling guilt that I wasn’t a strong enough believer because my highest aim in life wasn’t to be the next Beth Moore. I just wanted to be a stay-at-home wife and mom and raise my kids and love my neighbors and live within my means and bring joy and kindness to the small part of the world I inhabited. And maybe learn to bake bread.
It wasn’t enough. It was only adequate.
I don’t place the blame solely on the heads holding the mouths that were saying the words. A lot of it probably had to do with the way I was interpreting what was said. But I think there’s a bit of anecdotal evidence of the harm that these messages caused when you consider how much of my generation has walked away from the faith of their childhood.
Jesus has always said I was adequate. Because of Him. Why have I struggled to accept that truth for so long? Why was it often hidden from me when I needed it most?
I am still learning. And that is adequate.
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